Comparisons

I know.  It’s been over a month.

It actually was funny, because last night, John asked me if I had written on here in a while.  I, shamefully, said no.  😦

So here I am!

And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently regarding comparisons.

Comparing children.  Comparing days.  Comparing siblings.  Comparisons are around us all the time – to the point that babycenter.com sends us Emails, weekly, to let us know what our children are supposed to be doing.  

But, sometimes they aren’t.

And then people panic.

Constantly and consistently, people are always wondering what milestones your child has met.  When I explain Jackson’s needs, I’m sure that some people feel that I overreacted – but obviously, I didn’t.  Jackson has done more in the past 6-8 months (but mostly the past 2 months!) than I would have ever imagined.  His language has completely exploded.  He points out every airplane (or, pah-pane, to him!) that flies over our house (which, by the way, is every 5-20 minutes.  aaaah), bus, car, tree, cat, dog.. you name it, it points at it.  And screams what it is.  With a huge smile on his face.

He knows so many words and is talking so much that I can barely contain myself.  This morning, he said “I don’t know” in his own little special way. 

But, society is so obsessed with comparing our children.  And, sometimes – sure, it’s a good thing.  But other times, it completely sucks.

There are so many interactions between him and Grace.  Grace has a name for him and calls herself “Gigi” because that’s what he calls her.  Sure, when I compare, I see how much more advanced she is than he was at her age – which just makes me feel better about the decisions that John and I have made for him.  Jackson says “shhh, Gigi” when I put him to bed because she’s asleep in the crib next to his.  They bathe together and blow raspberries at each other and play meal time games to see who they can get to pick up their water sippy cup more.  (Not such a fun game for us!)

The bottom line, is – I am so thrilled with all the progress they have both made – Jackson and Grace, individually – and as a pair.

I am feeling incredibly grateful today.

 

Progress.

It’s been almost a month since I have written, and that’s not because I haven’t had things to say.  I have had plenty to say, but I have had a difficult time trying to get the words out the correct way.  I have tried desperately to get this out… but the words don’t seem to find me.  Hopefully, this time – they will.

As I have written previously, Jackson was born with a virus called CMV.  I am extremely fortunate in that Jackson was not born with any life threatening or completely life altering situations – he can hear, he can see, he does not have seizures – we are very lucky.  But, in the NICU, they told us that there was a possibility that Jackson could have some developmental delays, including speech, behavior, physical appearance-wise, etc.

Well, Jackson has gone from the 3rd percentile for weight to the 90th in just under two years.  He is tall, he can walk a mean walk and he is very physically strong.  (My mom sometimes calls him Tarzan…)

But, he doesn’t eat a very diverse diet.  And he isn’t speaking as much as we would like him to at this point.  So, I was concerned.

We have gotten him evaluated for early intervention services in New Jersey, because we feel that he would have qualified – and of course, he did.  He is now receiving intervention with a special instructor once a week, and we have added on occupational therapy once a week also.

In the last 2 months of services (and keep in mind, he hasn’t received occupational therapy yet!), he has gone from just saying “mom” and “dada” to….  “ep” for “step”, “eee” for “eat”, “ahhhh da” for “all done”, “yay” for “yay”, and he also says “oooo dee” which means something we haven’t figured out yet.  😉

It doesn’t stop there, though.  He has also been more social, more calm and he has found more ways to communicate with us.  He follows directions – like, if I tell him to go get me a book, he will!  He has made so much progress and I am so so proud of him.

It’s interesting, because I am a teacher of special education children.  I work with severely autistic, emotional disturbed, learning disabled, developmentally delayed, multi-disabled children on a day-to-day basis.  And, for that reason, I should be thankful and grateful that I have this amazing little boy – I saw the signs and I was able to get him help as early as possible.

But, instead, I find myself beating myself up.  Blaming myself.  Being angry and frustrated and completely stressed and over-whelmed.

Taking Jackson trick-or-treating at school was horribly overwhelming for me.  I mean, he looked amazing in his Richard Simmons costume, don’t get me wrong – but he was constantly trying to run away from me, he was getting frustrated and antsy – he was almost out of control.  So, I did what a normal Mom would do.

I cried.

And I blamed myself.

 

But, then I got to talk to John.  And he made me realize all of the progress that Jackson has made.  He is gaining new sounds and words every single day.  He is listening.  He is amazing.

 

I knew that he was going to be a special boy.  I just need to realize that I am his special Mom.